The Illusion

New Old Boss’s assistant was on the line to say my immediate presence was requested in Boss’s office.

The direct way was all of a ten second walk, but I took the scenic route to freshen up in the men’s room. The lighting in the hall just then was extraordinarily calming and left me feeling content, happy to call the place home. As maddening as work had become, I still had that sense that my back was covered. No matter how ugly things got, I’d be okay.

New Old Boss’s assistant half smiled and gestured for me to go through his closed door.

“They’re waiting for you.” They?

It was a slightly different summit meeting this time: New Old Boss, 4’s Boss, and Slimy Bastard. No one was smiling.

“Am I being fired?” I asked once the door closed. Slimy Bastard snorted.

“No,” New Old Boss assured me. New Old Boss pointed to a chair. “Have a seat.” It wasn’t a suggestion.

“I’ll get right to the point,” he started. “This is the second time I’ve heard that you’ve used foul language in the office. That is unacceptable. You are never, ever to speak that way to another employee, especially a senior officer.” I looked at Slimy Bastard. “And you will apologize right now.” Sure, what the fuck did I care?

“I apologize for suggesting you kiss my ass. It was uncalled for and unprofessional.” My tone was not a hundred percent without sarcasm.

“Fuck you,” Slimy Bastard snorted. I raised my eyebrows toward New Old Boss.

“That’s not exactly in the spirit of this meeting, but I’ll take it to mean you accept his apology.” Slimy Bastard stood and scratched his balls.

“I don’t want to ever see this little cocksucker again,” he huffed on his way out. I stared at New Old Boss with my mouth slightly open.

“So it is acceptable that a senior officer calls me a cocksucker?” I asked.

“I really went to bat for you on this,” he replied. “Let it go.” 4’s Boss was conspicuously still in the room.

“I take it there’s more.”

“Yes.” New Old Boss said. “I don’t make anyone’s personal life my business unless it starts affecting their performance on the job.”

4’s Boss cleared his throat.

“Have I dropped the ball on anything around here?” I asked New Old Boss.

“Not exactly,” he replied, “but your relationship with another employee has created a hostile environment.”

Assuming which employee he referred to, I turned to 4’s Boss for further explanation.

“You’ve got her so upset she can’t focus on work,” he said.

“That’s rich,” I countered. “Other than that questionable reprimand for my language, I defy you to document a single incident of harassment on my part. That is what we’re talking about here, isn’t it?”

4’s Boss held up a manila folder.

“She’s drawn up a complaint that mentions several incidents, but I’ve convinced her to hold off on moving forward on this till we’ve had a chance to talk.”

“You’re kidding. Let me see that.”

“I think it would be best if you didn’t.”

“So I don’t even get to hear what I’ve been accused of. How am I supposed to defend myself?”

“You’re not,” New Old Boss said. “This isn’t a trial.”

“I get that. Apparently I’ve been found guilty without one.”

“There is no ‘guilty,’” he said. “But this is serious and we need a solution.”

Everyone in the room knew how these things went. Throwing my hands up in the air and then slapping my thighs, I said, “Well, you two have obviously got a solution, so let’s hear it.” 4’s Boss spoke up.

“We think it would be best there was no interaction between the two of you.”

Even though I was still harboring feelings and false hopes for 4, I honestly agreed with him and offered to work with one of the other girls on his staff, but was informed that it wasn’t that simple.

“To protect all concerned parties,” New Old Boss said, “We’re going to reassign you.” I dropped my tranny. My eyes rolled up into my head as I tried to form a sentence.

“Excuse me, but I’m a very concerned party here. How is it protecting me when she can make an allegation, and without so much as an inquiry of the validity of her claim, I lose my job? Ironic that an Israeli owned company is using such Gestapo tactics.”

“This is not the Gestapo.” New Old Boss tried to reassure me. “You’re not losing your job, there’s no pay cut, and you’ll retain all your benefits and title.”

“Really? And what will I do around here?”

“We’ll figure that out. The important thing is that everyone walks away happy.”

“I’m not happy. I’m not happy about this at all,” I said. “Do you hear what you’re saying? I mean do you really understand the ramifications?”

“We’ve thought this out thoroughly,” 4’s Boss said. “It’s not just your personal relationship. It’s more about how you’re interacting with other employees in general.”

“So there have been other complaints?”

“No,” New Old Boss answered.

“But her complaint is not the major reason for this?” I asked 4’s Boss.

“I didn’t say that,” he said.

“As a matter of fact you just said ‘It’s more about how you’re interacting with other employees in general.’” The idiot was flustered at my sudden burst of total recall. I was pissed. “This is such bullshit!” I didn’t give a shit about my goddamn language as I explained that their actions were opening the company up for a bigger lawsuit than anything 4 could have put in her complaint.

“Whoa!” 4’s Boss said. “Nobody’s talking about lawsuits here.”

“I am!” My blood hit 212 degrees.

“Threatening us isn’t going to do you any good.”

“Gentlemen,” New Old Boss interjected, “Everybody needs to cool down.” He looked at me. “Why don’t you take next week off so we all - and that includes you - can think about what we’re going to do here.”

“I’m going to be part of this.” I held my ground.

“You will be, I promise. But you need to calm down and put your thoughts together.” Unflinchingly, I fumed. “Do it because I’m asking you to.”

“Fine,” I huffed. “But if anything’s changed while I’m out, I’ll be coming back with a lawyer.”

Another fateful second I had no control over. The place had turned on me. My back was stabbed, not covered. Seething under my collar, I stormed back to my office to gather my things and clue TSA into what was happening. The Universe had gone too far this time. I had taken all the failures it had thrown my way. I’d learned most of the lessons it hammered into my head. But pulling the rug out from under me like this was just too much and I was mad - really mad. Anger lodged itself under my skin profoundly, informing my every thought.

Bursting into the stairwell on the way to my yellow Bug, I turned almost by reflex and ran up the stairs toward 4’s desk. Just before I rounded the last turn into the straightaway to her desk, I heard her laughter.

“Thank you so much,” she said. I stopped in my tracks and peaked around the corner to see 4 hugging her boss and kissing him on the cheek.

“I’ll hold onto this for the time being,” he said, waving his precious manila folder. She already had her purse in hand and started down the hallway in my direction. I ran to the men’s room and ducked into the door. Once I heard her footsteps pass, I gave a five count, slipped back into the hallway and quietly followed her to the stairwell. As the door closed behind her, I jogged swiftly to catch up, but when I opened the door to the parking garage, she was nowhere to be found. I heard high-heeled footsteps and a door close a floor above me.

Cautiously, I opened the door to the top floor and listened. I thought I heard her voice in the legal department, and tiptoed that way. All the secretaries had gone, leaving the outer areas deserted and semi-darkened. Soft light emanated from the office of one of the company’s top attorneys. Their voices came clearer as I slowly approached.

“... how much I appreciate all you’ve done.” Were her first words I could make out, and then a bit later, “What’s wrong?” She didn’t understand why his cock had suddenly gone limp in her mouth until she raised her head above his desk and saw me in the doorway.

This type of activity was commonplace in these offices and I’d certainly participated in my share. But what a strange sensation, seeing the woman I had loved kneeling in front of this lawyer, her hand still on his dick, his dick still wet with her saliva.

Independent of conscious thought, the Feet propelled me, left, right, left, right, to his desk for a closer view of the hot office action. Neither of them could move a muscle.

“Nice looking family,” I said, picking up the photos of his wife and kids. His dick shrank back till it disappeared in her fist, leaving a lipstick stain on her fingers. “How could I have been so wrong?” I asked 4. Lawyer’s penis shrank even more and slipped out of her hand altogether. At its final resting place, the tiny little nub stood out defiantly horizontal in inch-long glory. I switched my glance back and forth between his teensy little dick and his wide-open eyes. Shaking my head in pity all I could say was, “Dude.” His shame was the only enormous thing on him.

Rage and blind are two words that usually go hand in hand, but as my anger achieved mammoth proportions it filled me with clarity and purpose I hadn’t felt all year. The sense in life’s twists and turns that had eluded me for so long now suddenly appeared before me, and was so obvious. The anger just left my body and my whole being came into focus. I knew exactly what I wanted and where to find it.

•••

I got back to Chicago in such a hurry I almost forgot to take a winter coat. This time, I didn’t fuck around chasing her all over town. I went straight to her apartment building. Just like the last time, there was no answer. I looked at my watch and wondered how long I would last before I talked myself out of this. There was a coffee house across the street where I could keep an eye on her front door and count the minutes.

When her cab finally pulled up, I stood and began editing the opening lines I thought I’d perfected. As she stepped out onto the sidewalk, I took my first step in her direction. Then her date got out of the cab and I froze. Please, I kept thinking over and over. Not tonight, not now. They stood on the sidewalk chatting for a minute and I couldn’t understand why the cab wasn’t going anywhere. Her arms reached up around him and my heart sank. The ten seconds they embraced might as well have been ten hours. Then, in an instant, her date vanished. He jumped into the cab quickly without a kiss goodnight, not even a peck on the cheek.

The Diaphragm resumed its normal function and I moved slowly toward her. She was too absorbed in her mail to recognize the man approaching in her peripheral vision as me.

“Hello,” I said. She turned to face me. God, she was more gorgeous than ever. Even through her expression of dull surprise I could see how completely she had arrived into her beauty. She said nothing, just looked at me with dead eyes. A tsunami of nausea washed over me. I went to speak, but had to swallow three times before any sound would come out.

“I rehearsed what I was going to say to you the whole way here.” I started, discarding everything I’d practiced. “You know, the plane ride here is about four hours. Then there was the cab ride from O’Hare. That took about an hour, so I got to work on it some more. I’ve been refining it over at that coffee house for,” I looked at my watch, “I guess another three hours, so I really had my speech dialed in.” The death in her eyes turned into disbelief but still she said nothing. I filled in the silence. “The funny part is, I had that all worked out, and then I saw youÉ”

“What are you doing here?” She interrupted.

“You have every right to hate me.”

“I don’t hate you.”

“I want to apologize.”

“For what?”

“For hurting you.”

“I forgive you,” she said coolly and reached for her house key. “Anything else?”

Whatever charm, whatever powers of persuasion I used to possess, I needed more than ever. If I could just keep her talking I had a chance to turn this situation around. I stood there in silence for a few seconds and she turned to her door.

“Wait. There is something else. There are a million something elses, a whole lifetime full.” She stopped. I moved in.

“The way I left, as if you meant nothing to me, was... I don’t know - false. Ever since then it’s as if I’ve been loitering in the world. Nothing I’ve done has made any sense because I hadn’t been true to... anything. My life has been bent and distorted because I was at odds with the choices I made. That one choice I made. God, we were both so young and-” That got her attention.

“You asshole!”

“I know how that sounds.”

“How dare you, you son of a bitch.” I was willing to take everything she threw at me. “I begged you to stay with me.”

“I didn’t know how.”

“You tossed me aside like I was nothing.” She heated up.

“I was stupid.”

“You broke my heart!” She choked. I choked. Tears filled her eyes. “Shit!” She wiped at her face. “I swore if you ever - damn it!” I reached up for her. She recoiled. “So now you feel the need to tell me all this? Are you cleansing your guilty conscience? Does it feel good to get it off your chest?” She really had no idea why I was there.

“No, no, no,” I said. “You can’t possibly know how hard it was for me to leave.” Our words came faster and faster, overlapping each other. “I know I don’t deserve your mercy or your understanding, but I didn’t know what to do.”

“Then why do anything?”

“I didn’t know that I could stop it.”

“You should have!”

“I know.”

“You should have waited!”

“I know.”

“You should have chosen me!”

“I do!”

That stopped the clock. My voice softened. “I choose you.” Her chest was heaving and her gaze pulled back, as if she finally saw all of me. My heart was about to pound its way through my sternum. I was brain dead, running on adrenaline. My instincts kept repeating the same thing over and over in my head in a language I hoped I understood. She opened her mouth to speak. Before she got a sound out, my reflexes kicked in. I grabbed her arms as fast as I could and drew her mouth to mine. She moaned in what could have been a protest, but her arms had wrapped around me tightly. Between her tears and mine, our faces were soaked. She pulled away from me and looked me dead in the eye.

“You fucking asshole,” she whispered through her tears. I closed my eyes, put my lips back on hers, and we drifted back to a night on a long staircase. And I never came to.

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