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The Fear |
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The caller ID indicated it was an internal call. 4. What on earth she wanted I wouldn’t know unless I talked to her. Frankly, I was a little scared once I did. “She wants to come over tonight. To talk,” I told TSA when I hung up. “Did she say what she wants to talk about?” She hadn’t - only that she wanted to talk. TSA sensed my anxiety. “Do you want me to be there to protect you?” “Fuck you. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I played out a thousand scenarios in my head on the drive home. Nothing that came to mind made sense. The atmosphere between us had become so acrimonious, the thought that she’d had a change of heart seemed highly unlikely. My brain froze and I gave up trying. Nothing unusual waited for me at home. Just bills, pre-approved credit card applications, and an invitation to my class reunion. I tossed everything on the kitchen counter and opened the invite. The reunion was being organized by none other than Number 1! Date, place, price, blah, blah, blah - nothing out of the ordinary. Then I noticed some handwriting on the back. It was a note from Number 1. She really hoped I was going to make it to the reunion. Apparently we had a lot of catching up to do and I should call her as soon as possible. Yeah, maybe. Whatever. Right now, I had to brace myself for 4’s visit. I poured myself a Jack Daniel’s neat and sat down for a quick check of my email before she got there. Again, nothing unusual: A list of male bashing jokes from my sister, porno spam, and a few replies to some of my emails I could read later. I was selecting all the junk to delete when I came across something from an address I didn’t recognize, but was obviously not spam. The subject read “Happy Halloween.” It was a little late for that. I opened it. Holy shit. It was from Number 2. She tracked me down on some web site dedicated to famous people from Wisconsin with an apparently loose definition of “famous.” She attached a recent photo of herself. She looked great. Fifteen years did nothing to her. Boy, did that take me back. I read her message. Holy shit. She thinks about me a lot. That night of the Halloween dance stands as one of her most precious memories. She was hurt that I never called her after all the times she gave my bass player her number. Fucking dip-shit. She didn’t want to come off as crazy, but she was wondering if I was going to be in town any time soon and could we meet? She actually read this book on-line and of course knew who I was talking about way back in chapter three. She couldn’t believe I felt that way. Holy shit. A knock came to my door. I hit “Keep As New” on 2’s email and went to let 4 in. She stood in front of the couch, facing the wall for a beat. Of the thousands of scenarios that went through my head on the ride home, what happened next wasn’t one of them. Just as I was about to offer her a drink, she spun around and gave me a deep, passionate kiss. Once the initial shock subsided, I pulled back. “Huh?” was all I could muster. “What are you doing?” “We need to talk.” Why? I thought. “I had to do that first,” she said, “to see if I still...” “If you what?” “You know.” I shook my head slightly. “Don’t make me say it, not now,” she pleaded. This was too good to be true. “Make you say what?” I tried my best not to sound coy. “That I still love you.” I picked myself up off the floor and brushed myself off as if I hadn’t just taken a twenty-story fall. “And?” “I do. I do still love you.” My heart was thumping, but I faked a calm and cool exterior. “And that’s what you came to talk about?” “Yes. Well, not exactly. I mean there’s more.” The only other time I’d seen her this flustered was after her car accident. “Before I say anything, I have to know if that kiss meant anything to you.” I paused to collect my thoughts. Do I take this opportunity to give her back some of the shit she’s been piling on me, or do I take the high road and give her a straight answer? I think life had established by this point that I cave in situations like this. Of course I gave her the truth. “Yes,” I said quietly, “it meant a lot to me.” “And?” Now she was toying with me. “And,” I dragged the words out, “I still love you.” Her expression went from anxious to relieved to happy and loving in a matter of seconds. Once we admitted our feelings she was free to say the rest of what she wanted to tell me. She opened her mouth to speak and the phone rang. I didn’t take my eyes off of her. She went back a few clicks to just looking relieved. “You can get that.” I reached for the phone. 4 went to the kitchen for a drink. “Hello?” “Hi.” It was 3b. “Hi. What’s up?” “Do you have a minute?” “Barely.” “Oh.” She sounded dejected. “What’s wrong?” She blurted out that she was leaving the guy she left me for and wanted to talk to me about “things.” Had I not paid enough to the Universe to escape its cruel sense of timing? “I’m kind of in the middle of something here. Can I call you tomorrow?” “Sure.” “OK, I’ll call you in the morning. Bye.” “Bye. I love you.”
4 had returned with a glass. “Straight vodka?” “Just water.” “Where were we?” I asked, truly not remembering. “I don’t know how to say this,” she started. I was getting anxious. “Oh, just blurt it out. That seems to be the way today.” She looked in my eyes and said, “I’m pregnant. It’s yours.” Well, then there’s that. “That’s why I had to know if we both still... I wasn’t going to tell you if the answer was ‘no’ from either of us.”
What the fuck was going on in my world? Could this day get any more intense? As that crossed my mind, I had an underlying thought that I shouldn’t tempt fate by even thinking that. And there was another knock at the door. I actually hoped it was a Jehovah’s Witness. I couldn’t have been further off the mark when I opened the door. “Remember me?” 3a said sheepishly. “Oh, good god,” I actually said out loud. There she stood right in front of me. Seven years later, and she just radiated. I couldn’t breathe. My brain stopped functioning altogether. I just stood there looking at her. Behind her, I could see Bridget, Old New Boss, Asian Fuck Buddy, Really Hot Barmaid, and a waitress who’s name escaped me converging on my courtyard, with more behind. I gasped for air and heard myself scream.
“Baby? Baby, what is it?” A female voice asked. I bolted upright. I was sweating and panting hard. “You’re okay, you’re okay” Number 5 reassured me. It took a couple minutes before the fog lifted and I got my bearings. I’m in my bed, everything’s fine. “Same dream again?” she asked and stroked my back. “Yeah.” I swallowed hard. “Under water,” I lied. “No more Mexican food for you.” “Yeah.” “Do you want anything?” “I’m fine. Let’s go back to sleep.” “I love you.” “Love you, too. I have to pee.” Once I got to the bathroom my shaky legs and mole vision demanded I sit to piss and collect myself for a while. By the time I returned to bed, 5 was sound asleep. I slipped in under the comforter, watched her sleep for a while, and then stared at the ceiling till dawn, smiling. I’d dodged the bullet again. |
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