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Chapter 31/Page 3 |
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I had to park the rental car on the roof because 4’s car was in my spot. That was good. She probably thought about things over the weekend and came back around. I went to her cubicle right away. “I understand what you were talking about with the negativity.” “That’s nice.” “Yeah. I went through this whole thing with my parents this weekend and had this wild epiphany. I saw where it all came from. But it’s great because now I know that I don’t have to be that way if I don’t want. I was so excited about this I couldn’t wait to talk to you about it.” “Well, I can’t talk right now.” “Neither can I. I just wanted to see you and tell you that I think everything’s going to be great.” “Great. But I have to work.” “Me, too. I want to come over tonight and tell you all about it.” “Sure.” “I’ll call you.” She didn’t exactly sound excited about my revelation, but she didn’t shoot it down, either. I got to my desk and the next time I looked up it was seven o’clock. I rang her extension. She’d already left for the day, so I dialed her home and got her answering machine. “Hey, it’s me. It’s just after seven and I’m heading for home. Call me when you get in.”
•••
Driving is good. Walking sucks. The bus sucks even more. It wouldn’t break the bank if I kept the rental car a few more days. The only thing on my answering machine was 4’s “love you madly” message from before. I listened to it a few times to remind myself that everything was going to be all right. And then I waited for her call. And I waited. And waited. And waited. And then I called again. Again, I got her machine. “Hey, it’s me. I thought we were going to get together tonight. Where are you?” Needy. Fuck. Needy fuck. Not much I could do about it, so I continued to wait until I couldn’t bear to sit home another minute. The rental car was mine for the week, so I made use of it. I drove to her place to talk some sense into her. Her car was in her spot. As usual, there was no place within a block to park, so I left the car in the lot at the video store down the street where we used to rent movies. I lost part of my soul on the steps leading to her place. Undeniably, unmistakably, un-fucking-believably, her apartment had That Look. Seeing it hollowed me out head to toe. I was panting, but the oxygen bounced out of my body without nourishing. My heart pounded, but my extremities all went cold in the warm summer night from lack of blood. I stared at her window, looking for shadows. I must have misunderstood and she was waiting for me. That had to be it. The Legs started to propel me forward to her door, but the Balls ran away crying like the little bitches they are. I turned tail and chased after them back to the video store’s payphone. “Hey, it’s me,” I said to her machine. “Are you there? Pick up. I just wanted to talk, tell you that I know what you were talking about, but it’s not like that. I’m not going to be that negative guy anymore. Are you there? No? Call me when you get in.” “Hey! You can’t park here if you’re not going in the store.” The dime-an-hour parking lot guy chose this moment to bitch me out. “Fuck you.” I chose to say and got into the rental car.
•••
CRISIS MISMANAGEMENT
My heart ached from the pounding, the great pounding in my chest. Not the pounding of my heart, though. It was the pounding my heart had taken that left me battered and bruised inside. So desperately I wanted someone to just hold me, to tell me they loved me, tell me all my fears were unfounded, and everything would right again. But not just anyone -- it had to be her.
•••
“You look like shit. Get in here.” Asian Fuck Buddy was sympathetic and a much better listener than I ever knew, not that I ever said anything substantial to her before. But none of the comfort I’d sought was to be found there. That’s not what we did for each other. By one thirty I was out her door and on the road home. I took a convoluted route from her Westside apartment back down Sunset, so I could cross the special intersection at Beverly Glen. 4’s place was only a couple more miles down the road. It would take every ounce of strength I had to turn off Sunset and aim the car for my apartment. I was weak. |
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